Sunday, May 28, 2006
Your regularly scheduled programming
Summer in Alaska. Daylight for copious amounts of time and warm. Thus, I've taken to spending my days drinking beer on my balcony. Exception: there are a handful of bars with yards and porches open for outdoor drinking. Two weeks ago I went to one of the aforementioned bars to hang out with a friend of mine, we'll call her "The Redheaded Mistress" (even though there's absolutely no context there for that to make any sense to you). That's the wind up, here's the delivery:
Saturday night (while at a poker game) I was getting text messages from The Redheaded Mistress telling me to hurry up so I could hang out with her at The Bar. Text messages indicating that she was wearing pretty panties and I might have a chance at seeing them. So after I crap out in third I hit The Bar where I meet up with The Redheaded Mistress and her friend. We'll call him "The Instigator". The Instigater is feeding The Redheaded Mistress screwdrivers (after we had spent all afternoon drinking beer, so you know she was already shit faced) and then began to feed me drinks and whoop my ass at pool. At some point some chick, let's call her "Big Tits McGee", comes over and asks The Instigator for a light.
This is where my memory gets a little hazy. I'm told that The Redheaded Mistress took an interest in Big Tits McGee, as did The Instigator and I, because, well, she had huge boobs and was showing every inch of cleavage she could get away with. At some point we are introduced to Big Tits McGee's roomie (from here on referred to as, creatively, The Roomie). I'm so hammered I just thought they were friends of The Redheaded Mistress, as opposed to new accquaintences. So we're hanging out and talking and The Instigator is now buying EVERYONE drinks.
Some one suggests we move to Other Bar. So we do. More shots and drinks were had and my total blackouts begin. At some point in the night I turn around to see The Redheaded Mistress making out with Big Tits McGee. I'm thinking "fantastic". Then I see The Redheaded Mistress start making out with The Instigator. Now I'm thinking, "lucky fucker." Then I get distracted by The Roomie.
More drinks.
The Other Bar closes and we pile into The Roomie's car to go to the all night diner for food. When we get there it looks like everybody in Anchorage and half the population of Fairbanks is there, so we decide to just go back to the girls' place for . . . wait for it . . . more drinks. On the way there The Redheaded Mistress is in the back seat making out with The Instigator and Big Tits McGee.
We get to the girls' place and spend about 18 seconds there as a group, then The Redheaded Mistress decides she HAS to go home and Big Tits McGee and The Instigator volunteer just a little too readily. Again, I think "lucky fucker" and, again, I get distracted by The Roomie, only this time it was more specifically by her boobs. This is where my direct knowledge of events ends and it becomes third hand info.
The story I'm told is they get to The Redheaded Mistress' place and pile into her bed where Big Tits McGee undresses her, for The Instigator's viewing pleasure, and goes down on her, undoubtably also to the glee of The Instigator. At some point during this The Redheaded Mistress "wakes up" and decides she doesn't want to do it anymore and puts on a shirt. Of course she then "passes out again". No one I talk to knows if Big Tits McGee and The Instigator took care of each other or not, but it took Big Tits McGee approximately 45 minutes to make about a 20 minute round trip so I'm assuming the answer is "no".
Now for those of you who made it all the way through that rambling, sorry excuse for a story. The moral of it is that alcohol and the Alaskan summer is, evidently, quite an aphrodisiac. I suggest vacations here.
Saturday night (while at a poker game) I was getting text messages from The Redheaded Mistress telling me to hurry up so I could hang out with her at The Bar. Text messages indicating that she was wearing pretty panties and I might have a chance at seeing them. So after I crap out in third I hit The Bar where I meet up with The Redheaded Mistress and her friend. We'll call him "The Instigator". The Instigater is feeding The Redheaded Mistress screwdrivers (after we had spent all afternoon drinking beer, so you know she was already shit faced) and then began to feed me drinks and whoop my ass at pool. At some point some chick, let's call her "Big Tits McGee", comes over and asks The Instigator for a light.
This is where my memory gets a little hazy. I'm told that The Redheaded Mistress took an interest in Big Tits McGee, as did The Instigator and I, because, well, she had huge boobs and was showing every inch of cleavage she could get away with. At some point we are introduced to Big Tits McGee's roomie (from here on referred to as, creatively, The Roomie). I'm so hammered I just thought they were friends of The Redheaded Mistress, as opposed to new accquaintences. So we're hanging out and talking and The Instigator is now buying EVERYONE drinks.
Some one suggests we move to Other Bar. So we do. More shots and drinks were had and my total blackouts begin. At some point in the night I turn around to see The Redheaded Mistress making out with Big Tits McGee. I'm thinking "fantastic". Then I see The Redheaded Mistress start making out with The Instigator. Now I'm thinking, "lucky fucker." Then I get distracted by The Roomie.
More drinks.
The Other Bar closes and we pile into The Roomie's car to go to the all night diner for food. When we get there it looks like everybody in Anchorage and half the population of Fairbanks is there, so we decide to just go back to the girls' place for . . . wait for it . . . more drinks. On the way there The Redheaded Mistress is in the back seat making out with The Instigator and Big Tits McGee.
We get to the girls' place and spend about 18 seconds there as a group, then The Redheaded Mistress decides she HAS to go home and Big Tits McGee and The Instigator volunteer just a little too readily. Again, I think "lucky fucker" and, again, I get distracted by The Roomie, only this time it was more specifically by her boobs. This is where my direct knowledge of events ends and it becomes third hand info.
The story I'm told is they get to The Redheaded Mistress' place and pile into her bed where Big Tits McGee undresses her, for The Instigator's viewing pleasure, and goes down on her, undoubtably also to the glee of The Instigator. At some point during this The Redheaded Mistress "wakes up" and decides she doesn't want to do it anymore and puts on a shirt. Of course she then "passes out again". No one I talk to knows if Big Tits McGee and The Instigator took care of each other or not, but it took Big Tits McGee approximately 45 minutes to make about a 20 minute round trip so I'm assuming the answer is "no".
Now for those of you who made it all the way through that rambling, sorry excuse for a story. The moral of it is that alcohol and the Alaskan summer is, evidently, quite an aphrodisiac. I suggest vacations here.
