Miscellaneous Debris

I have come to the conclusion that I have phsychic powers. This decision is not based on fancy alone. It is an educated presumption based on experience and observation. I will present some of the facts for your reading pleasure.

Fact #1
Recently, when I look at some one who is just minding there own business and happens to be walking by me, they trip or do something otherwise embarassing.. Six times out of ten this happens. Evidence that I need to hone my skills.

Fact #2
One day, many years ago, my friend and I were driving home from Guntersville Dam and got stuck behind these two idiots that were driving 25 in a 65. They had positioned themselves side-by-side so that there was no way around. After about 45 miles they quit talking and went there seperate ways. One of which happened to be our way. As we overtook them, I made my right hand (I was in the passenger seat) into a gun and clicked my hammer(thumb) down. At that precise moment the tire of the car that I happened to be pointing at blew out. Evidence of the power itself.

Fact #3
Approximately once a month I will have a dream that will come true. Every sight, sound, and action. There are many instances of this. In an effort to show a lack of bias I will detail last nights dream. Rachel and I (yes, Marci, that Rachel) dumped a body in a dumpster in the middle of the day and in front of many people. After leaving and eventually evading the authorities, we went our seperate ways. I returned to my apartment that I shared with George (yes, Marci, that George). Where I learn that he had actually committed the murder and we were just disposing of the evidence. The cops eventually started to close in on us and I realized that this was no DUI, I would be spending not 2 nights in jail but 7300 nights on an accessory to murder charge. This is when I woke. Now, there are a couple of things wrong with this picture as of now. a) I don't live with George. b) I don't ever plan to be his roommate ever again. c) I don't think that I could find Rachel again if my life depended on it. Regardless, there is no way to guarantee that this won't happen. The dream was as real as any of my other "visions". The dream is evidence of the ongoing occurence. Hopefully, however, my powers are waning and this is not a glimpse, as much as I might like to see Rachel again, into my future.

Now, there are some that might be inclined to think of things other than ESP or what not, like, for instance, scientology. You know who you are. I can assure you that is not the case. For you nay sayers out there, there are many instance of my dreams coming true that I have chosen not to include here as memory has a way of eroding over the years and I believe that you, gentle readers, are due full details and my full capacity.

In conclusion, as I harness my powers and become the immortal leader of the not-to-be-free-much-longer world, I suggest that everyone be nice to me or I'll remember you and when I'm able, during the summer I'll turn your dog into a snowball.

Toodles

Well, I've sent the picture to most everybody I know that might care a little. It has snowed four inches or so in these past 24 fine spring hours and is still in the process of dropping the frozen stuff. My father-in-law tried to get me to be jealous because he's going golfing tomorrow (in Alabama). I told him I wasn't jealous because I get to trudge through three feet of snow still. I don't know if he could tell that I really was jealous.

Maybe it'll be warm and sunny in Atlanta.

Handed to me from a co-worker:

How to do you give more than 100%?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And,

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118 %

So, one can then conclude that while hard work and knowledge will get you close and attitude will get you there, bullshit and ass kissing will put you over the top.

Dear Tampa PD,

I don't know why I left Ybor is such a hurry, how exactly I got back to the hotel, or why I feel there was a very pressing issue demanding the expedited exit. I do hope that you realize that any mayhem caused by or indirectly attributable to me was totally accidental and/or in fun. Please don't come kick down me door.

Sincerely,
Brad

I really have no funny, important, or even irrelevant things to say. I've had a lot of fun here, but nothing seems worthwhile enough to report. Except this: I've managed to stay in a pretty constant stat of inebriation. Oh yeah, and all the girls here want me. I don't know what the hell my magic is in Tampa, but I've had more vagina tossed at me than I know what to do with. It's so "unfortunate" that I'm more or less happily married. Holy christ crystals, I have nothing to say. Bye

Lord I hope this works. If not, please browse the Somethingawful.com "Comedy Goldmine".

Bon apetite

What I would like to know is this:

What the hell is it that prevents me from going to sleep before 2am here. No matter what I do, or who I do it with, I cannot fall asleep before 2. Dammit Marci, you never warned me that this place would cause insomnia.

Another note to Marci:

It just occured to me that I have become one of those guys we used to deal with when we worked together. I am around one stay from gold status and I find myself scratching and clawing to get it.

Last note:

Anybody read any good books on honor? I need some info quick. Like in the next hour. I have read "The Art of War" and "The Book of the Five Rings" but I cannot seem to remember anything that directly relates itself to this principle of honor. The point is I have a presentation to do tomorrow morning and I am supposed to speak of loyalty and honor and I don't suppose that any one there is going to want to here of my real life examples, but would rather here something that has been published. Ideas?

Two notes. First, never think that just because you are required to do something that you won't enjoy it. I have just returned from our mandated social and I have to admit that I enjoyed myself. I had the privelege of meeting many people from different parts of the country (and some from different countries all together). Second, I'm beginning to think the bartendress wants me. I wasn't too sure last night, but tonight, she began throwing me what was either flirting for more tips (possible because she tends bar) or for me (also possible because I wasn't a customer at the time). I'll be going out again tonight after a bite to eat (maybe). Good night to all, and to Marci, I'll get to see you again in April! I hope. But still, yyyyyyeeeeeaaaaahhhh!!!

So I went and got absolutely hammered last night. Had I been able to start the computer and type by the time I got back to the room you would have had quite a humorous post to read. In leu, I offer the following tips whitch you may or may not know.

Do not:
1. Drink on an empty stomach.
2. Drink your weight in liquor.
3. Match that with beer.
4. Make your internal struggle blatant when trying to decide how you feel about some one (i.e. do I think you're ugly?)
5. Make your decision blatant (i.e. Yep, you're ugly.)
6. Forget to flirt with the bartender, he/she will hook you up if you can do it with out pissing him/her off - unless you feel like following tips 2 and 3.
7. Order room service ten seconds before you are going to pass out.
8. Pass out in your suitcase.
9. Do any combination of tips 1 through 3 on a night before you have to get up and do stuff in the heat, humidity, and sun of FL.

Guess I have to go. We're still "learning". I have a "mingling exercise" tonight. It coincides with the manager's reception that Embassy suites has so there may be more drinking involved. Do I get to charge this to overtime?

So, yesterday I fell full swing into this "Fur Rondy" thing. I went ice bowling. It was quite enjoyable. Nothing like freezing to death while throwing a heavy ball across a frozen pond at some high school girls. I mean pins. The high schoolers were the pin setting machines. Anyway, I'm in Tampa now and I'm going to go have some fun. I suggest ice bowling if you ever have oppurtunity.

I know it's been a long time since I last wrote you, but I've been extraordinarily busy. I haven't had much time for you and I'm sorry. Will you ever forgive me?

All I want to know is this:

Did I miss a memo? Why is it that the same people who shove some one out of the way on a moving sidewalk as the run down it will come to a dead stop on an escalator, which is essentially the same thing except diagonal? What's the magic difference that for some reason means I have to stop accelerated foward progress just because I'm suddenly going in two directions? I mean, it's not like we're getting on an elevator and all we can do is wait for the doors to open again, is it? Somebody, please help me figure this one out. Thank you.