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Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Something has been wrong all day. I've felt like I've been . . . I don't know, observing everything from a distance. Out of touch, or like I'm not really here or in my body, but about a half second (centimeter maybe?) out of my body. Out of phase, maybe? Hell I don't know. It's very disconcerting, and uncomfortable. Even when I called my wife earlier, that didn't seem right. I don't know, maybe something's wrong and I'm getting some sort of pyschic message. I hope that's not it. These things have happened before and I can't remember what came of it.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

so the bar I was supposed to go to wasn't stumble distance like the desk clerks said. it also was a karaoke bar. met a cool chick though. I left her there because I'm too drunk to perform. life kinda sucks.

**EDIT**
Marci pointed out to me that this sounded like we would have had sex. What I meant was she wanted to sing karoke. I was probably too drunk to even walk home, I don't remember half of it. Sorry for the confusion.

Let bygones be bygones 

I know that earlier I said I wasn't going to get all nastalgic, but this was too funny (to me) not to post.

I was down at in the lobby drinking their beer when I happened to walk past the front desk and the two desk clerks were talking. There was a tall, skinny glasses wearing guy who looked suspicously like I do (or did) and a shorter, nice breasted female specimen not unlike Marci. They were talking and it reminded me of an earlier time when, as most people know, Marci and I worked together.

I couldn't help but stop and get her attention to say, "Seeing you two talking reminded me of when I worked at a hotel with an attractive young lady and then some dumbass, drunk guest would come up and start talking about some shit we didn't care about and we would have to give him the same look you're giving me so that we looked like it was the most interesting thing we had ever heard. Just thought I'd tell you."

The irony isn't lost and is, as a matter of fact, the point.

Who moved Austin into Seattle? It has rained here everyday since I've been here. That's okay I guess, it hasn't been to hot as a consequence. I'd also like to add that in addition to free beer, this place gives free food. I couldn't be happier.

--An apology--
To those I called, posted about or IM'd:

I got a little nastalgic yesterday and I would like to say I'm sorry for taking it out on you. In the future I will not force such drivel on you. Long days and pleasant nights.

Brad

Monday, June 28, 2004

I miss somebody very, very much 

I can't wait until July. The umbilical cord is being stretched too much and Marci, Melanie and I must hang out soon or I'll die. It's really that simple. I'm going to steal some pictures from them because that's just going to have to do until July.


Melanie on right

Marci on left

Great pictures, huh?

**AFTER THE FACT EDIT**
I just realized I'm really, really drunk. And I don't care . . . wait
(to the tune of Jimmy crack corn)
Bradly done drunk and I don't care
Bradly done drunk and I don't care
. . .
. . .
nevermind

. . . but my friends call me Marci 

It's finally happened. I've finally begun to live my life like Marci. No, I don't jump up and down on my bed wearing booty shorts and a tiara, mostly because I don't have a tiara or booty shorts. I do, however, live in a room the size of a closet and don't do anything but drink and go to class.

"Do you have a gnome?" Yes and no. I don't physically have one, but since I hardly sleep when I'm on the road, I halucinate a lot and sometimes I see really little people running around where ever I am.

"Yeah, but you don't get free beer." AH! But I do. The hotel I'm staying at offers free beer (and wine) for two hours a night (everynight, Take that!).

"Well, do midgets make you laugh?" More than I'll let any one ever know.

"She's the coolest person in the world, where does that leave you?" Well, Marci and I might be at odds here; but, since I'm nicer, I'll continue to let her take the trophy.

"Okay, but you don't get laid." Yeah, so she's got one up on me.

"How about friends." Alright, alright, I get the point. It's a loose analogy.


Sunday, June 27, 2004

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)High
Level 7 (Violent)Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

I've been banished to the second layer of hell, where the lustful spend eternity. Take the Dante's Inferno test from 4degreez.com. It's silly; but, if you're bored, it's a good way to spend 15 minutes or so.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Anchorage, + & - 

+ work on an airforce base and be really safe
- work on an airforce base and be a target
+ work on an airforce base and have the blue angles perform 200 yds. from your office
- work on an airforce base and have to work while the blue angles fly at mach 600 twenty feet above your roof and you can't go outside to watch
+ sunset at 1:00 am gives plenty of time to drink and enjoy the outside
- sunrise at 2:00 am eliminates sleep time
+ lots of people to drink with
- not many are attractive
+ women walk around in see-through pants while wearing see-through lace panties
- some men walk around in see-through pants while wearing see-through lace panties

weight them as you like.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

So tired . . .  

I'm so damned tired, it's not even funny. I can barely keep my eyes open, yet I find myself trying to get packed so I can go down to the bar. I'm such a drunk.

I'm so tired, I don't even really have anything to say. I guess the title of this post should have been "Post for the sake of posting"

Monday, June 21, 2004

Pain, agony and the post 7 hours in the making 


I just (four and one half hours ago) got back from Union Station where I saw Dodgeball. It has scenes where people are getting hit with various stuff. The thoughts of agony and sympathetic pain that these scenes invoke can't even be rivaled by The Passion. My stomach is still churning.

Furthermore, a word to the wise: Never take a break at the bar and get into a political conversation.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

The first ever Miscellaneous Debris Waste of Time and Effort award goes to . . . . .

StopInfantCircumcision.org!!
All I can say is wow. In almost 100 years, 14 people have lost their lives to the scurge of curcumcision. My god people, how long can this go on? While we're at it, we have got to stop apendectomies. Only the lord knows how many people have been taken from us because of this totally ridiculous surgery. It must stop here! I . . . oh hell, I'm not going to do this anymore. I've already put more energy into this than it's worth.

-----------------------------

Look for me in Matthew Lesko's next commercial. I was accidentally walking by when he was dancing around like a fool in front of the camera. That's the closest to a tv or movie star I've ever been. I hope any further encounters with entertainment people will be a little less, I don't know, silly.

Friday, June 18, 2004

So, I . . . oh fuck it.

I wanna bitch about some one but it seems inappropriate (or something like that) here. maybe the problem is me. and my timing. whenever I really, really, really wan to talk to this person, he/she's never there and/or doesn't answer. As a matter of fact, there are two people that fit into this category. oh, who am I kidding. this is why I don't show emotion. no one gives a rats ass. wait, that and men aren't supposed to. there are three emtoitions. lonely, happy, and drunk. I prefer the latter.

I'm drunk 

I understand Marci. I will no longer give HIM problems. I drank away my libido. I couldn't have sex with . . . crap, I don't know who. Christ, it's so hard to type this right now. Is it wrong to love a city just for it's mass transit system? Then why do I hate ATL's? fuck it I have jack and shit to do tomorrow but jack just left and shit just got flushed. I want a libido so bad right now it's not even funny. It's just not going to happen. Sorry, hun.

How can a city (area) of this size contain so m . . . I can't spell the word that means alot. many . . . meny . . . too many . . . to meny . . . fuck

I broke the rules of a haiku. It should read something more like this:

Liquor, you're my bud
making me strip butt naked
and females run far

5-7-5. my apologies.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Mmmm . . . alcohol. You're my friend. I think I'll write a haiku about you. Ahem.

Liquor, you're my bud
making me strip butt naked
and females run away

Brad Live! Get your back stage passes here!

Okay, here's the deal. I'm just about drunk, on my last beer, about to have to go down to the bar on karaoke night and bored.

1st thought: Morgan Freeman IS God. I just finished watching Bruce Almighty and I have to say that Junie Lowry-Johnson and/or Ron Surma must have had a divine revelation before casting Mr. Freeman as God. He is almost exactly what I picture when I picture The Alpha And Omega. Of course, this might be because I'm not a relegious man and think that God has to be a black man because of his sense of humor, wisdom, wrath and all around attitude. My mom would hate to hear me say that. No, maybe she wouldn't.

2nd thought: There's a news story about Steve Oaken (I couldn't find a web link for you, sorry) who was put to death tonight and it makes me think about the death penalty. The family of the victims and supporters cheered when an unidentified male said, "Steven Oaken has met his maker" over a megaphone. What kind of society have we become when the intentional and early death of another is good news. How can we be so eager to deal death when some one "deserves it" when we can't give live to those who deserve that. God bless Tolkien and Gandalf for that wisdom.

3rd thought: I have to pee.

4th thought (11:11 eastern): If this is supposed to be "live" I should probably start time stamping it so you can see the progression a little better. Wait . . . that's a great idea. Next time I do this, it can be an experiment and I'll get a twelve pack and drink and then you can see the progression from sober to pissed.

5th thought (11:12 eastern): That jetta commercial about accelerating through the curve sucks. I want to punch the driver in the head and kick him in the teeth.

6th thought (11:13): am I really about to go down to the bar during karaoke? I hate that. What's worse is that I have to walk right by the drunk badly singing to the rest of the bar as they try to prevent their glasses from breaking.

7th thought (11:15): Do people really expect jeeps to be secure? My god, they're canvas cars. Hell, you can unzip the windows from the outside. Why in god's green earth would you be suprised when somebody steals something from it?

I'm getting tired of typing. That's it for now.

Washington, Dull City 

Of course, it's my fault. I haven't made the effort to go out and do anything. The only thing that I'm looking foward to tonight is my six pack of 16ers and my mickeyd's. Am I 26 going on 12 or what?

Another pack of preadolescent girls has checked in to the hotel. There seems to be about six groups of them here. It's like they follow me around. In every city and every hotel, there's always some school field trip of just loud, gangly, teetering, giggling, obnoxious young girls. Nothing against a group of one or two, but when you get, I don't know, fifty together they become this wild pack of animals the likes of which you only see on the discovery channel. Maybe I'm not going on 12 after all.

My "McNuggets" suck. They taste like they were cooked about six hours ago. I guess I only have the beer to look foward to. Seeing as to how it's only 7:30 and there's only four left, this evening might suck.

Oh good, a tornado watch/warning. The night couldn't get any better if I let all those girls put make-up on me and torment me to no end!

AFTER PUBLICATION ADDITTION:

We're going to hell and marketing's to blame. Prosecution's exhibit 2:

As if people don't look stupid enough doing this without bright blue or green pads on their fingers

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Another lonely, boring day in another city. I'm here in DC and can't get myself motivated to get out and do anything. I should call friends and relatives in the area but I'm putting it off until tomorrow. Ugh. I'm so bored. Guess I'll go drink.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

What the f***?! 

Is there a rule/law/regulation of somesort that does not allow anybody blowe the age of 65 and/or female to molest me. How in god's name does a ladies man like myself keep attracting 70 year old gay men? I feel dirty and will never be clean.

Insert Pathetic Display Here 

Happy belated birthday to me,
Happy belated birthday to me,
Happy belated birthday to meeeeeeee . . .
Happy belated birthday to me.

I've found out exactly why this place is called the land of the midnight sun. It's 1am and it looks like early evening in Hotlanta.

In three hours, I get to leave for the airport, bound for DC. I swear to God, if I don't get some time at home or some serious downtime in ATL, I'm going to go crazy.

The weekend with my in-laws went rather well. I have some pictures that I'd like to post; however, I don't know how so I won't. In the next month, people I know can be expecting pictures in their email inboxes.

Monday, June 14, 2004

UPDATE: JERRY GARCIA ALIVE!!!! 

Jerry Garcia has been spotted in the Wasilla/Palmer area of Alaska. I saw him with my own two eyes riding a bike with an unidentified woman. When asked as to why he faked his death and subsequently moved to Alaska, he answered, "Piss off." Further questions were ignored.

Friday, June 11, 2004

Roadburn 

It's a new personal best. I get to be home for about half an hour before I have to leave again. This time to Telkeetna, AK. And to be with the in-laws. Well, gotta run.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

YE NORMALS BEWARE! RETARDS ABOUND! 

I am about to do something intentionally that I have never done on purpose before. I am about to plagarize the hell out of Something Awful. They do an "Awful Link of the Day" and I could not help myself. I have to ask just how many re-goddamn-diculously stupid people there are in this world that believe some shit like this. Please tell me this is the only person in this world that believes this. Written by Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz:

THE REPTILIANS: WHO ARE THEY REALLY? (thanks imel007) - Do you ever stop what you're doing and ask yourself "The Reptilians, who are they really?". No? Well entertain me for a second and pretend that you've always wondered who those Reptilian guys are and why are they such dickweeds. Well this site has everything you ever wanted to know about the super secret plot of the Reptilians to take over the planet and eat all our crickets or something. Also the bright red background will destroy your eyes to force you to heighten your telepathy powers and combat the foul beasts. I really tried to read this whole page but only made it through a few paragraphs before my eyes started to tear up and I had to soak them in soothing ice water.

"Between now and 2007 AD, our planet will have a 70 degree pole shift. Saudia Arabia will become the new North Pole. In the next 10 years, these are the changes we'll be witness to:

1. We will all become telepathic.

2. The Andromedan Council has ordered all extraterrestrial presences on the planet, in the planet, and on the moon to be completely out of our space. They want everything that's ET, benevolent or not, off the planet. This will be very interesting since there are over 1,833 reptilians living in our planet and over 18,000 grays living underground and on the moon. The council would like to see how we will live with each other when we are not being manipulated by ETs, as we have been for the last 5,723 years."


Cool, only three more years until I can shoot lasers from my mind, and then we can kick all these freeloading aliens off the planet. I mean, they just come over here on their little rubber ships and expect us to pay for their health care and housing? That's bullshit, and if they are staying on this planet and keep badmouthing us I just have one thing to say, love it or leave it brother. Go over to Jupiter and sit under your sun lamp or whatever Reptilians do all day. Also on the site is a email from a lady named Pamela Stonebrook who is defending her book against her fellow conspiracy nut jobs they accused her of endorsing leaving your body and having astral sex with Reptilians! Burn the heretic!

"I do not teach people to get out of their bodies to have sex with Reptilians. I have been astral projecting for nearly two decades, and for over a year now I have been able to consciously control and direct my experiences to unravel and confront "many" life issues. We have access to those interdimensional realms and they are within our reach to explore. I believe it is the cutting edge of experiential consciousness exploration.

I have met loved ones who have transitioned, gone to past lives, and what I perceive to be future lives. I have seen other entities that I cannot/will not even begin to label, much less, discuss on the internet. These experiences are sacred to me and I'm learning not to offer them up to an onslaught of viciousness and ridicule. I will, however, tell you that in the astral state, I have had healings, and have floated in a sea of knowingness that is beyond thought...overwhelmed with love, acceptance and forgiveness...as close to the "source" as I have ever felt. I must admit that it is my primary target when I consciously get out."


Whatever lady, I just work here. Anyway, this site has days worth of laughs on it, but I recommend you copy all the text and paste it to a readable program and save your eyes a near fatal encounter of red. I now have a horrible headache and I'm going to lay down and pray for death. Curse you Reptilians! Curse you to hell!


I have to say that I did try to read the site. But it sucks. I couldn't get past the first two paragraphs. Wonder why it was considered the "Awful Link of the Day".

I'm sorry that I resorted to copy and paste for this post, but I think I'm doing a public service by making people aware of those people who are cursed by God to have no fucking common sense. The only thing I can think to say to the person who runs the website quoted above is this: Well, I guess if you say you have been doing something for nearly two decades, I'll have to believe you because I a goddamn idiot and I don't require any sort of substiated proof. That is what you want to hear, right? I guess I should get off my soap box.


Something Awful writers: I will remove this post if you want. I was just trying to spread the word.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

I went to a Seattle baseball game tonight. If it weren't for the coach getting ejected, the fight two rows down from me and the company I kept it might have sucked. They broke my record: tonight was the first time I've been to a pro ball game that the home team lost. My mojo was working, but the refs called me on it and took away a two run homerun. It also marks the first time that the officials caught my voodoo. Actually, it's the first time anybody has caught my voodoo. Usually people just do what is in my master plan.

Okay, okay, there are some unexpected exceptions that screw my plan to the wall and beat it like a six year old girl, but that's beside the point.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Oh my god. There's the smallest midget I've ever seen in my life on "Last Comic Standing" tonight. Marci doesn't know what she's missing.

So, Marci and Melanie have turned up. Unfortunately, they did not offer any help with My Self Respect. My Self Respect's status has been changed from AWOL to MIA. I am beginning to get worried for its well-being.

On another note. Procrastination. Yes hell. There ain't nothing like it. I've got about three weeks of work to get done in the next two nights. Oh, and one of those I'm going to a baseball game. This sucks. It wouldn't be so bad, but I won't get paid if I don't do it. Anybody interested in reading some dry government reports on accounting? Or maybe filling out some travel forms?

Monday, June 07, 2004

AWOL: MY SENSE OF SELF RESPECT 

Last seen in Cleveland, somewhere in the Warehouse District. Believed to be in the Velvet Dog bar. Possible sighting in whatever miscellaneous bar we went into after that. Noticed absent that night after walking back to the hotel district. I invite it to come back, no judicial actions will be taken. It is known that My Self Respect was not taken against its will. My Self Respect is considered a run-away and is missed dearly. Please help me get My Self Respect back. I kinda liked it.

MISSING: MELANIE 

Melanie was last seen or heard from in Italy. Should be in the Atlanta, GA area, but current whereabouts and dress are unknown. Last heard from on the 2nd of June. Possibly wearing booty shorts but more likely seen around bars asking for people to "make out, but no booty." Please email me with any information you may have. As before, any guilty parties that come forward will be given amnesty, but also a good, strong wedgie. Thank you for your help.

MISSING: MARCI 

I think Marci died. She hasn't posted in a few days and that's not like her. Also, she's not been logged on to msn for a while.

Marci was last seen at her apartment after free beer wearing some booty shorts, a t-shirt that said "a loser is trying to hook up with me" on the front, and a tiara. There is some possibility that she has been there for about a week since, evidenced by her posting. Nothing has been heard from her since the fourth of June. If anybody has any information regarding her disappearance, please email me at keertus@hotmail.com. A small reward may or may not be offered, depending on your information. There will be amnesty for any guilty parties that come forward; additionally, there might be a swift kick in the nuts. Thank you. I would attach a picture, but it's too much effort to find one off her website.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Oh my god. It's the end of the world. Here's my proof.

I think she broke my ribs. I'm not black and blue, but my ribcage hurts like the dickens. When I breathe, it's like someone is sticking knives into my lungs. Never let a girl (or guy I guess) beat the crap out of you while you are asleep and/or can't defend yourself.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

I'm a bad, bad man 

I have recently started a trend that I need to get under control. I used to be always right and to, for the most part, do the right thing. Now, everything I do and say either is wrong or turns out wrong. Fuck.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Duh-runk 

I haven't gotten this drunk since three free beers ago. I can't even thnk straight. it might be time for drunken phone call tahg.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Riiiiiigggghhhttt 

Well, Cleveland has already given me a bad taste in my mouth. And I don't mean from the piece of candy that strange man gave me. I got here at about two in the afternoon and just about everything was already closed. Also, there are about 2.5 million civil servants here and, though I am one, I don't seem to think that many are very fun. There's a handful that are, yes, but I haven't had the opportunity to see them yet.

Back to Cleveland bashing. It looks like all the restaurants within walking distance close before lunch or aren't even really open. I didn't see a single bar nearby, and the hotel is a pain in the ass to navigate.

On another subject, I have been alerted to a possiblitity that I will be spending 4 months in a row in ATL next year. I'm torn. I want to go, but I don't want to be away for so long. I suppose it'll be a moot point because I'll either be in ATL for 4 months or DC for 4 months (possiblility of Seattle also). So I suppose it is inevitable that I'm away from my pussy wife for so long and it just becomes a matter of where I am. . .

I've lost my train of thought.

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